Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Hello from Indiana!

My postcard for November is from CW Martin over at Tilting at Windmills! It arrived last week but I'm only getting round to posting about it now. And I suppose it's just in time too as this is the last day of November! I love getting these postcards, they're such a treat!

As I've said before, if you're interested in joining this Postcard Campaign, head on over to J.Day at The Ramblings of Charlie Brown for more details!


"The caretakers will leave at midnight, locking us in here until they come back in the morning. Once the door is locked, there's no way out. The windows have bars that a jail would be proud of, and the only door to the outside locks like vault. There's no electricity, no phone, no one within miles, so no way to call for help."

A Typical Day...

Inspired by Charlotte...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Tweet Success!

As I mentioned yesterday I was thinking of joining Twitter. So today, I bit the bullet and made one!

It's literally just been made so don't laugh at how pathetic it looks. It'll take me a while to get used to the ropes but if you want to follow me, I'm @PablosAngel

If you have a Twitter account too please leave me your username? in the comments and I'll follow you back!

Monday, November 28, 2011


Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant camp-girl penis.

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.

The Undying is the greatest concept for a Tropic Thunder/Grindhouse fake trailer there ever was. The only problem, however, is that it's not a joke, but a real, honest-to-Gosh movie. With a story so confoundedly ludicrous, and acting so questionable, it truly feels that the movie should have actually been a parody sketch instead of 100 minutes of poorly conceived fodder marketed towards repressed housewives.

Picture, in your best Don LaFontaine trailer narration voice, the following log line:
SHE'S a widow, desperate to put her life back together after the accidental death of her husband.
HE'S the displaced spirit of a long dead Civil War soldier who happens to reside in her new home.
Together, they will overcome centuries of separation, the pain of heartbreak and loss, and at-odds racial faux pas.
They are...THE UNDYING.
Barbara (Robin Weigart) has just moved into her new home—a Civil War era house somewhere in the Pennsylvanian countryside. You see, after her husband tragically died by literally falling backwards off a curb into traffic, she felt she needed to get away from it all. It is there she meets Henry (Franklin Ojeda Smith), the generic cool old black guy who owns the property and is renting it to Barbara, so that she may stay up late, cry into her ice cream bucket, and remember that one time her husband died by literally falling backwards off a curb into traffic.

Henry tells Barbara of the alleged ghost that is said to haunt the old house—a confederate Civil War soldier named Elijah who was gunned down by two Yankees while in the love hole of his lady.

Images for this movie are almost non-existent,
so please enjoy this Elijah from the feature film Unbreakable.

Meanwhile, Barbara begins her new position at the local hospital, where she is constantly hit on by her new boss, Dr. Lassiter (Jay O. Sanders, who slimeballs his way through the role of Slimeball). It is there she meets her highly unlikely love interest: Jason (Anthony Carrigan), a coma patient who apparently lived a very mean life of fists and cursing—so much that his wife, Betty (the ludicrously attractive Paolo Mendoza), is eager to pull his plug.

And so they do! Jason flatlines and the doctors and nurses do doctor and nurse things until wait a minute what's this oh gosh I guess Barbara is a little insane, because she kidnaps Jason's dead body, impossibly stuffs it into her SUV (along with the gurney), and drives him to her home. It is there she lays the body out and invites the ghost of Elijah to hop in and take him for a test drive.

Well, he does, and for the first half of the movie, not only does Elijah the Ghost ride in Jason the Body, but he sports a beard and wig so fake that even an "Unsolved Mysteries" actor would be embarrassed. The look this poor actor sports is reminiscent of Jesus Christ, the Geico Caveman, and Charles Manson, with the added bonus of clearly being brand new out of the beard bag. Why the filmmakers chose THIS look for the modern male, and not the Civil War soldier, who in flashbacks is played by the baby-faced and hairless body of a boy straight out of "The Hills" is beyond me, but that's okay, because if that were the case, I would have less to laugh at.

Actor Carrigan bravely chooses to portray this broken-down spirit without any emotion whatsoever, so that when he says stuff, you almost kind of care what he's saying sometimes. His performance will go down in history as the most affecting and heartbreaking since Larry Drake's  role as 'morgue slab corpse' in an episode of "The X Files." He also uses a sometimes there/sometimes not southern accent.

The musical score does what Elijah does not—attempts to force you to feel anything at all. While certainly not a bad score, there is hardly a single moment of silence in the film. Even scenes of Barbara walking down the hallway, or looking through files, is complemented by stirring music.

This isn't radio, folks—it's cinema. It's okay to have silence from time to time.

Elijah is understandably mystified by his new surroundings—what with being knock-knock-zoom-zoomed 150 years into the future. He points out the window to Henry, Barbara's black landlord, and asks, "Is that your house nigger?"

Barbara goes on to explain that the Civil War is over—the south having lost—and that the n-word isn't used anymore, because we all have equality; there is no longer any such thing as master and slave, and we are all neighbors, regardless of our skin color. Elijah, who in his first life was a fervent confederate soldier, fighting with great passion for an ideal in which he powerfully believed, says, "Oh," and then drops the matter entirely.

You can imagine where it goes from here:

"What's this thing?" (A coffee maker.)

"Say, Abraham Lincoln is on your money? Better not react." (He doesn't.)

"You mean voices and faces come out of this magical noise box? I better instantly accept this and begin watching public domain programming for hours on end." (He does.)

The two lost souls begin a romantic affair, which when considering their ten-year age difference, is more than creepy. Barbara spends much of the time rubbing her face against Elijah's fake beard, not quite meeting his lips with her own, and moaning a little too loudly.

Soon, Barbara begins to suspect that Elijah is responsible for a nearby murder. And only one measly day after they BOTH drive by this very same murder scene and see the body covered in a white sheet, Barbara asks Elijah, "Did you know a girl was murdered recently?" to which Elijah responds, "No."

As if the filmmakers could sense my joy, Barbara cuts off Elijah's long hair and heavy beard, turning him into a typical hispter douchebag, complete with hipster douchebag rim glasses. This transformation then decreases the appearance of his age to roughly fifteen, making the remainder of their intimate scenes even creepier.

A computer generated image
of how a Civil War soldier would
appear today (backwards).

The ending eventually occurs, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and then lets us turn the movie off. Then you sit back and realize you've learned a little more about the world, each other, and yourself (and beards).

I give writer/director Steven Peros credit for making a movie he clearly believed in. This was certainly not a movie made for the masses, and the story he had hoped to fill with white-knuckled thrills hides somewhere within the unintentionally hilarious pastiche of badly realized "horror" scenes and tired jump scares. He avoided violence unless necessary and attempted to rely on Gothic horror as his guide, and for that he earns points, but alas, the movie is more Lifetime than Robert Wise. Ultimately, it's the story of a woman learning to overcome grief, but more importantly, learning the lesson that she doesn't need a man to make her happy. (Are you listening, Twilight ?) 

Plus, let's face it: the Geico Caveman making a threatening face will never be threatening at all. 

Don't take my word for it - watch the trailer. See the hair for yourself. Go on, look at it! It's amazing!

Random Thoughts

Although I have university work to do, all I've been doing is thinking of ways in which I could improve my blog. Typical eh?

So here is a round up of the things I've done as well as the other ideas I'm contemplating...

  • Email 
I finally decided to take the plunge and include my email in my main profile page. I've refrained for so long because the last time I put it up, I got a shit load of spam. So why have I changed my mind now? Well, it's because a few people needed it in order to invite me onto Pinterest. I'm sure it must have been annoying not being able to find it. The other reason is quite simply to provide you guys with a way of getting in contact with me privately to ask me questions (if you have any) or just to chat. 

  • Review Page
I added a review page at the top of my blog so that all the movie reviews I've done and will do in the future can be easily accessed by you guys. Now, my reviews are amateurish at best so don't be expecting ground-breaking critique! Also, don't laugh at my taste in movies...

  • Wish List Page
I'm thinking of adding a Wish List page to the top of my blog as well. I haven't done this yet because I'm still working out the kinks. I'm thinking of only putting stuff up there that I desperately want to own and that I could buy now if I chose to. It won't include things like "own my home" as those sort of things are already listed in my "Life Ambitions" page. What do you think? Good or bad idea? I think it would be really cute if done properly...

  • Twitter
Wow. I'm really going here. Let me explain. I've never once stepped foot onto Twitter, I have no idea what it looks like. I've stayed away from it because I didn't want the hassle of another social networking site to deal with. But, recent events have changed my mind. I have many random and humourous thoughts (to me at least) that always go unsaid. Why? Well, firstly they are too short to write as a blog post and no one would read them on Facebook anyway. So they're wasted. Plus, I hate how I can't link my blog up with Facebook because my family are on there. I want a Twitter where I can write about my daily exploits or rants without worrying what my family will think. Plus, it might get this blog some more views and followers and we all know how much I love them! So, good idea or not?

So those are my ideas. What do you think?


"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Sunday, November 27, 2011


It must have been pretty amazing seeing Carpenter's original Halloween back when it first came out in 1978 - back when every little technique and scare was fresh and original.

Things Are Looking Up

As many of you have probably already noticed, my blog hasn't got any particular theme. It's simply my online journal where I splurge my thoughts and ramblings with a few videos and pictures thrown in for fun. It's why I love my blog so much, it's just so incredibly girly and fun. Well, that's what I think anyway.

Though despite this being my online journal, I tend to keep my personal problems about my health to myself. I guess I didn't want to bring the cuteness of this blog down with posts about illness. But in order to decribe how great I'm feeling now, I need to tell you just how bad it all got. So bare with me, this will be over soon.

For the past six months I've been slowly deteriorating health wise. The last few months especially. I was barely eating. I couldn't stand the smell or texture of anything my mum made for me. It got so bad that I would heave everytime I tried to eat something. I had no energy, no strength, no oomph basically. I even thought I'd developed an eating disorder.

Though since starting the steriods, I've become a completely different person! Physically, I'm stronger. I've been eating non-stop, much to the pleasure of my parents. I've managed to put 5lbs back on from eating cheese slices alone! It's crazy how good they taste...

But the main difference is how I am feeling mentally now. I'm alot brighter, happier and considerably more positive, and that's despite having fucktards screw me around! I'm a lot more bubbly, contributing to conversations more and just generally having more "life" in me now. It feels awesome basically. 

I feel so good now that I hope I can stay this way. I love having the energy to put so much dedication into my university work when before I was close to quitting. I love having the energy to play around with my blog more and joining new cute sites like Pinterest whereas before I had no interest. 

I feel like a brand new person. And I like it.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I've been trying not to join this site for ages but I think it's just too cute not to anymore. 

Problem is, I think I need somebody whose already a member to invite me before I can become one too.

So if any of you guys are members of Pinterest - send me an invite lol! 



Friday, November 25, 2011

Guest Post

Hey guys,

Head on over to Leah's blog to check out a guest post that I did on "Online Bullying". It's a topic close to my heart so let me know what you guys think. 

In the past, my guest posts don't really do that well which is why I've refrained from doing one for so long on this new blog. But since Leah personally asked me, I couldn't refuse. 

I just hope it is received well!

Thursday, November 24, 2011


"Have you ever had a single moment's thought about my responsibilities? Have you ever thought, for a single solitary moment, about my responsibilities to my employers? Has it ever occurred to you that I have agreed to look after the Overlook Hotel until May the First? Does it matter to you at all that the owners have placed their complete confidence and trust in me, and that I have signed a letter of agreement, a contract, in which I have accepted that responsibility? Do you have the slightest idea what a moral and ethical principle is? Do you? Has it ever occurred to you what would happen to my future if I were to fail to live up to my responsibilities? Has it ever occurred to you? Has it?"

If we don't, remember me.

Legend of the Guardians: Review


I don't care if this is a kids movie because I really liked it!

It took a while for to get into it though because I could barely understand their names at first and they kept talking about "The Guardians" in a way that made you feel like you should already know who they were. If that makes sense?

You instantly fall in love with Sorren, the main owl in the poster, simply because of his sweet personality and fighting spirit. But you instantly can't stand his brother because he's mean, bitter and scoffs Sorren's dreams.

Don't let the innocent owls fool you though, the plot of this movie is pretty dark! Sorren and his brother end up being kidnapped by evil owls who are plotting to take over the kingdom because they are "pure" and "superior". Sorren manages to escape but his brother stays and joins the evil ones. Like I said, he's a prick.

Sorren, along with a few others find The Guardians who are good, legendary owls who fight for justice and peace. They discover the evil owls plot and a huge battle ensues. It's actually pretty epic.

This is my favourite scene in the entire film - it's epic beyond belief. Especially the music!

  • The epic fire scene with Sorren
  • Finding The Guardians
  • Sorren's belief in his dreams
Rating: 4/5

    Fire in my Veins...

    So do you remember when I told you that I had an undiagnosed condition and that I had a hospital appointment due?

    Well that was two days ago. I don't know why I'm embarrassed to say it because it's perfectly natural but meh... I had a Colonoscopy. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be thankfully.

    Though I say being sedated had something to do with that! I'm not going to go into the graphics but I will say this, whatever they gave me before the sedative was fucking awesome!! My veins felt like they were on fire!

    In my semi-awake state, I thought I was a superhero but then my brain settled on something else and I laughed. It was perfect. I wasn't a superhero after all, instead, I had just been injected with vampire venom. I spent the rest of the procedure believing I was Bella. Sigh. Don't diss the ill Twilight fan!!

    Instead of waking up sparkly and uber strong, I woke up more lightheaded than I've ever been in my entire life. Another scary moment was that I took longer to recover than expected. You see, sedatives affect the heart and it took my heart ages to get back to it's normal rhythm... But I was too sleepy to notice.

    From the procedure, they discovered that my immune system has been attacking my bowels which has caused me to suffer from Inflammation of the Colon. I could also have Chrones Disease but we gotta wait for the biopsies to come back before we know for sure. 

    Treatment wise? I've been given a huge dose of steroids which apparently will give me back my appetitite. And so far, so good. Hopefully I'm on the road to recovery now!

    Tuesday, November 22, 2011

    The Ninth Award Ceremony

    I got a very sweet award from Kathy over at That's What She Said today as part of her Thanksgiving series!

    We don't celebrate Thanksgiving over here but I'm thankful all the same. See what I did there? Bad pun, but it had to be done! Ha! That rhymed, God I'm lame. Moving on...

    I am thankful to every single one of you guys for sticking with me and commenting on all my posts, no matter how shit they happen to be. It really means a lot!


    “In my lifetime I have murdered 21 human beings, I have committed thousands of burglaries, robberies, larcenies, arsons and, last but not least, I have committed sodomy on more than 1,000 male human beings. For all these things I am not in the least bit sorry.”
    - Carl Panzram


    Monday, November 21, 2011


    Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant camp-girl penis.

    WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.

    God knows where I first heard about Weasels Rip My Flesh. Whether it was Amazon’s “if you liked that bullshit, check out this bullshit” feature, or a friendly fellow bad movie connoisseur on a message board, all I can say is: I owe you a blow job. Weasels Rip My Flesh is, without a doubt, one of the greatest bad movies I have had the extreme pleasure of watching. Even that title — Weasels Rip My Flesh — who’s saying that? Who is the person acknowledging the ripping of their own flesh by weasels? Is there a person out there calmly recording their thoughts in a journal?
    “Dear Diary: Mondays always suck. Weasels rip my flesh, and they leave pooooop tracks all over my bedspread. It’s cuz they walk in their poop and then walk on my bed. Mom’s gonna flip LMAO.”
    The beauty of Weasels Rip My Flesh, much like all other bad movies that get it right, is that no matter how ridiculous and absurd onscreen action can get, everything is played 100% seriously. You start to wonder if director Nathan Schiff took a page from the whacked-out journal of Andy Kauffman and made this movie as a joke,to entertain the tens of people who made up the cast and crew of this abomination. In subsequent interviews, however, he comes across as such a pretentious and arrogant bastard that the joy comes in knowing he meant every goo-filled, out-of-focus second.

    Nathan Schiff’s magnum opus begins with (I swear to God) a model rocket sitting in a sort of diorama, but please know this is supposed to be a real rocket. Called THE COURIER (we know this thanks to the adorning thick, black ,and crooked stick-on letters), this space rocket sits on an unknown planet, surrounded by flaming rocks and is on a very dangerous  space mission (kitchen table): to collect sample of blue goo to bring back to Earth for God knows what reason.

    Unbeknownst to the astronauts, their space mission was
    minutes from being aborted by their angry mother.

    One of the rocket’s flaps slowly opens to reveal a space crane (hair clip), which slowly extends out of the hatch on a hydraulic lift (branch cutter) to collect said goo. The crane then drips the goo into a toxic waste materials container (sippy cup), after which the Courier takes off, revealing its fire-spewing engine (light bulb) as it fades off into space and back to Earth.

    After the director films a wall painted with stars (space), the Courier enters the Earth’s atmosphere (courtesy of a sloppy cut and some shots of spinning clouds), encounters a malfunction, and crash lands into a lake.

    Two young boys, with thick Long Island accents and even filthier mouths, find the wreckage of the rocket, marked with a hilarious hand-scrawled “Danger: Radioactive Contents” warning. The boys retrieve what looks to be lcoffee thermoses from the water, all the while having this conversation:

    BOY #1: Look what I found! [picks up thermos]  What the hell is this?

    BOY #2: Bring ‘em up heeh! What’d ya foind?

    BOY #1: I dunno, dey was floatin’ around da wawda!

    BOY #2: I ain’t neva seen nothin’ like dis befoow.

    BOY #1: Open it!

    BOY #2: [seriously] Yah I might open dis.

    Suddenly, and without warning (or even a shot of a weasel), the younger boy shrieks off-screen in pain.

    BOY #2: What happ'd??

    BOY #1: Some’in just bit me in the leg!

    BOY #2: Holy shit ya see where it went?

    BOY #1: What if it has rabies or some’in?

    The older boy finds the hole that contains the biting creature and he decides that the best revenge is to fill it with the gunk he someone knows is inside the container. The younger boy protests, “Don’t go near it, ya’asshole!” Well, th’asshole does, and he pours the suddenly bright geen and liquid goo down into the hole. Then they leave, ignorant of the fact they have created a new breed of weasel too monstrous for words and too ridiculous for legitimate celluloid.

    Meanwhile, down in the hole, a very fake or dead weasel lays surrounded by black newspaper that we’re supposed to think is cave wall, as an off-screen crew member feigns a living animal by rocking the weasel prop back and forth. The green goo pours directly onto the weasel’s face for a few moments, and thanks to some fancy-ass stop-motion animation, we are able to witness the terrifying transformation from non-flesh ripping weasels to Weasels Rip My Flesh. The transformation is horrendously out of focus, as is literally every other shot in the movie that is a close-up. An unblinking and obviously plastic looking eye gurgles around in a bit of jelly before we sloppily cut to the finished product: something that looks nothing at all like a weasel, and more like the head of a squid.

    This new weasel monster bursts forth out of his hole and hauls-ass to the nearest street, where it is promptly run over by a dim-witted looking man, its arm being severed from its mutant body. After examining the odd appendage, the man quickly wraps the arm in a mattress cover from his trunk (?) and gets back in his car with it, leaving the audience to wonder just what this man up to, if perhaps he’s somehow abreast to the situation at hand, and if these filmmakers are kidding.

    The man arrives home with his new meaty friend and he calls his pally named Jake, whom he tells to come over at once to witness whatever exciting thing he has for him.

    My guess?

    Brown mutant arm.

    While waiting for Jake to show up, the man puts on some dish gloves, takes out some pliers, and begins to perform a severely half-assed dissection of the arm. We cut to a close-up, and wouldn’t you know it, one of his hands does not have a glove. But don’t worry, once we cut back to the medium shot, he does again.

    Phew, that was close. This movie was almost questionable.

    "Just tell the bully you're not afraid," Billy's mom
    had said. It was the last thing anyone had ever said
    to him not in Heaven.

    The man pries off a piece of bone, drops it in a mason jar, and brings it to his living room, where he pokes and prods at it with a series of instruments.

    Say, I have a question, curious man: who the fuck are you?

    Jake arrives and questions the man, whose name we find out is Fred, about the arm. Fred regales Jake with the story, and caps off the story with inviting Jake to come see the arm for himself.

    But it’s missing.

    “Who would believe this? An arm that…moved by itself?” Jake asks, and then looks dumbly offscreen, waiting for something to happen.

    And then something does: the arm flops across the floor and scratches at Jake’s foot. Jake reaches down to his bloody wound and moans as Fred grabs the phone to call an ambulance.

    “I would like to report an injury and some very strange goings-on,” Fred calmly explains into his phone. Jake, now completely taken over by weasel fever, grabs Fred by the throat and strangles him from behind, as he spews white foam and moans some more.

    With an amusing cut in the soundtrack to allow one of our characters to emit a single “UGH,” crazy Jake grabs a knife and saws off one of Fred’s incredibly realistic (haha, right) looking arms. He then stumbles out into the wild and runs off into the wooded distance.

    This is where we meet Boy in Blue Camp T-Shirt, and his dog, Rusty. As his canine companion runs off and discovers the dismembered bodies of our previous strongly-accented precocious boys, Blue Shirt runs off to, I assume, tell a fu-manchued policeman,. Meanwhile, Rusty continues to sniff at what used to be annoying Long Islanders.

    "Late again, eh, Cameron? Probably smoking and
    shaving if know you."

    And then we meet Inspector Cameron, the bad-assiest bad ass in Weaseltown. Cameron likes to smoke cigars, shave, and strut. And strut he does, over to his holster to randomly whip out his gun, look adoringly at it, and then put it down again. Hmm, I guess he’s a cop. Thank God he did that. I mean, how the fuck would we know otherwise?

    Cameron fields a call, assuring whoever it was that called that he would be right there. He dresses in a sharp blazer, gets in his car, and drives to a non-descript plain, “the scene of at least fifteen murders” according to Cameron himself.

    Once there, Cameron and his partner are accosted by the goofiest looking man in the world with a gun so tiny it makes me uncomfortable. The movie makes no attempt to give this man an identity, so his name henceforth will be Goofy, because it's a pretty appropriate moniker.

    He forces them to march to a hill of dirt, where he demands they dig until they reveal a hatch that leads into an underground lab. In a moment of pure amazement, and with the courtesy of a continuity-murdering cut, the exterior shot of the steel hatch magically transforms into an interior shot of someone’s very plain basement window that in no way resembles the hatch we just saw. You might as well shoot a scene where a character says “look at this egg,” show a close-up of an egg, and then in all other shots, use a banana.

    “Go up deh staihs, and don’t do anything funny. I like killing people,” threatens Goofy. He sits them down in someone’s 70s shag living room, complete with wood-paneled walls and a red lamp. Truly, this is a secret scientific laboratory.

    "Sally, isn't that the guy who finger-banged you at the prom?"

    “This place looks like some kind of laboratory,” lies Cameron, casually withdrawing a cigar from his jacket as if he was hanging out with old friends.

    “Come with me,” says Goofy and leads them into the back to show them what he’s been working on: a very normal looking weasel. The men react as if they are seeing something bizarre and out of this world (I think we are supposed to think it looks huge), but all we see is really just a normal weasel.

    Goofy sits them back down in the shag room, pours everyone a glass of whiskey, and details the exploits of his secret science stuff. His plan: to create many species of mutant creatures and, I guess, take over the world? He doesn’t really go into specifics.

    Cameron expresses hesitation in drinking his booze, fearing a sinister plot to overpower him, but when Goofy downs his own cup, Cameron feels safe enough to proceed.

    Fuck, it was drugged. Cameron and his partner pass out, and these two dolts are such horrid actors that they can’t even make passing out look realistic. Cameron chooses to lay his head on the table while his partner’s head falls back, and he slowly, slowly falls to his side.

    Goofy smiles, leans into the camera way too close, and we...

    CUT TO:

    A body on a gurney. And not just any body. Cameron’s partner’s body.


    To think, we grew so attached to him, what with not knowing his name and everything.

    Goofy enters, undresses his sinister plotting brown button-up shirt (shudder) and puts on his official doing science stuff blue button-up. He withdraws a syringe from a tin coffee cop (haha), collects a sample of tainted weasel blood, and injects the man’s body with the needle.


    Cameron awakes, shackled in some kind of boiler room. Being the master of Weaseltown that he is, he withdraws a cigar from his pocket with his mouth, lights the cigar with an open water heater flame, and then burns the rope off his arms, which, up close, looks like frayed underwear elastic. After he burns through what he could have just ripped apart by hand, he makes his escape. Grabbing a randomly placed butcher’s knife, he opens one of the canisters containing a weasel specimen and hacks it apart. It makes a weird moan noise and then bleeds out, just like my old ball-and-chain.

    Cameron then grabs a can of gasoline, sniffs it to make sure he’s got the right stuff, and then splashes ALL of the canisters containing random bits of diseased weasel. He lights it up and watches it burn, as the sound of old war footage plays inexplicably in the background.

    Goofy randomly talks to himself, convinced that the mutant weasels hold the key to eternal life, finally letting us know what he’s been up to.

    But it’s too late.

    Goofy sees his burned weasels and becomes enraged. A battle to end all battles ensues; Goofy with a crowbar, and Cameron with his gun. Only one will be victorious. Well, as one could assume, the guy with the gun wins.

    Sort of.

    After Cameron gets his cheek scratched with the crowbar, he shoots the fleeing Goofy in the back, who is then attached by his big mutant Frankenweasel monster. The monster rips a huge wound in his back, smashes his head against the wall, and spews goo all over the place. Goofy, making a last-ditch effort to save himself, inserts a surgical probe directly into the Hole of Weakness of Frankenweasel’s face.

    And this works like gangbusters! Only not. Frankenweasel attacks Goofy again, this time ripping off his arm. Cameron, having had enough of this, opts to just leave the secret laboratory.

    But his terror is not over yet.

    ANOTHER monstrous weasel, the one the men earlier looked at in horror, bursts through the ground and rushes at Cameron, who takes out his gun, points it, and does that thing that cowboys do in movies where they use their palm to keep pulling back the hammer to shoot as fast as they can. The only problem is the gun doesn’t make a single bang or boom, so clearly John Wayne Cameron is not.

    He grapples with the giant mole puppet for a little until Frankenweasel bursts through the ground and fights the giant weasel puppet to weasel death. Then they both suddenly catch fire.


    Why not?

    Weasels Rip My Flesh, ya know.

    "Well, my specialty is in giant freak armadillos,
    Dave, but yeah, I definitely see some inflammation here..."

    Goofy, having survived his third brush with death, stumbles out of the lab and runs to the nearby lake. Cameron sees him and follows close behind, as Goofy looks longingly at the water, assuming this is his only means of escape. He wades out into the water, but alas, Cameron comes for him, ready to spread some Weaseltown justice.

    “A boy like you has got to realize his limitations,” says Cameron, stealing a line directly from another movie about a bad ass cop fighting giant weasels: Magnum Force. The two men whip out their guns, but Cameron beats him to the draw, shooting Goofy twice in the chest, and rightfully assuming the threat is over. Instead, Goofy draws his gun and cheaply shoots Cameron in the leg. Cameron crashes to the ground, grasping his wound that pumps tomato soup. And just when we think it’s curtains for Cameron (and in one of the best "why the fuck did that just happen?" endings of all time), an unrealistically small Great White Shark LUNGES out of the water and RIPS Goofy’s arm off.

    Yes, writer/director Nathan Schiff really ends his non-shark movie with a SHARK ATTACK.

    Cameron barely has a chance to stumble off into the sunset before THE END flies at the screen.

    Stupid, violent, ludicrous, amateur, including sharks, and 64 minutes. That’s how I like ‘em.

    Sunday, November 20, 2011

    Festive Spirit

    As a child I always looked forward to Christmas without fail. But as I grew older, I kinda grew out of it. What I mean is, I didn't get as excited for it. The only thing I looked forward to was being off school for the holidays and my mum's Christmas dinner! I hated being at school at Christmas time, what with doing nothing all day but playing stupid games and listening to stupid Christmas songs. I hate that Mariah Carey song. I guess I just became more bitter with age!

    BUT! Something miraculous has happened this year. For some reason, I have been in a very festive mood - even since Halloween! This is very rare for me because I never feel like this. But I'm enjoying it immensely. So much so, that I've been dying to watch Home Alone and for the snow to fall.

    I've also been listening to my favourite songs:

    Carol of the Bells,

    Walking in the Air,

    and O' Holy Night

    Although I love the normal Christmas songs by Wizard etc, those three always win out. I guess I'm just a snob that way...

    I've also been fantasising about how much fun it will be to decorate my own home at Christmas someday and open presents before watching movies and eating sweets. Or having an Christmas party! Gah I want it so badly lol.

    I'll leave you with my current favourite Christmas advert!

    Saturday, November 19, 2011

    Edinburgh Photos!

    Hey guys, 

    I thought I'd finally share a slideshow of my Edinburgh photos with you all! They're not in order I'm afraid because I'm far too lazy to sort them.

    What you're looking at are photos of Edinburgh Castle, The Royal Mile, a William Wallace wannabe, Edinburgh Zoo, The Scotch Whiskey Experience, Statues, a Graveyard Tour plus loads of general photos of the gorgeous streets and buildings!!