My Heart Is Aching

It's amazing the difference 24 hours makes. Only last night I was enjoying a lovely night out in Belfast with Paul at Derren Brown's Svengali show only to come home and find out that my beloved dog Penny has run away.

We think the gate to the backyard was lying open all night and despite our best search efforts, she could be anywhere by now. Especially considering we're surrounded by a shitload of fields - something a dog would find hard to resist. We're going to search for her again later but we're seriously hoping she comes back when she's hungry. 

I'm really upset about this as you can imagine and worried about her because she's deaf and at least 90 in dog years so even if she does make it back, the journey will probably kill her.

But hopefully she's a fighter...

Teenage Girls Baffle Me...

I'm going to share with you a McDonald's advertisement. Not very exciting but bare with me, there's a point to this.

In it, there are a bunch of conversations going on but the only one that bugs me is the one concerning the teenage girl.

She says that a guy texted her back saying, "See you later" and this apparently confuses her as if it's a really cryptic message with a hidden meaning. So what does it mean? IT MEANS HE WILL SEE YOU LATER!

He's probably busy and can't text you anymore at the minute and so instead of not texting you back at all, he says "See you later" as a sort of goodbye message. Or you've arranged to meet up and so he says that as he knows he'll be seeing you again later on that day!

It isn't confusing at all.

What's worse is that there is a longer version of this advert where her friends basically back her up with saying that "See you later" is such an awful thing to text back. Wtf? No wonder so many relationships don't last if girls think that that is such a terrible thing to do. Sigh. 

Like I said, teenage girls baffle me...

Fuck You Mother Nature!

All through puberty and my teenage years you spare me from greasy skin and acne, but now? NOW you decide to curse me with it?

That's not on. Not on at all!

Sort it out. Pronto!

Updates

Seeing as I haven't really written a decent post in a while, I thought I might as well update you on what's been going on in my life of late...

1) I have an undiagnosed condition that makes me feel weak and queasy for the majority of the day - so much so that I've lost over 21lbs in weight from not being able to eat. Some days are better than others though. Hopefully I'll be treated soon when I attend a hospital appointment later this month.

2) Due to the stresses of university and my illness, I just don't get much time to blog. So if I haven't been around your blogs in a while then that's why. It's also why I haven't uploaded my Scotland pictures yet or even described my trip!

3) My boyfriend's sister got married yesterday so I'll upload pictures of that as soon as possible. I'll probably only upload pictures of me though. And speaking of weddings, I was finally given the pictures of the other wedding I went to agggges ago so I'll upload them soon too.

4) I'm hating my appearance at the minute. Whether it's to do with my recent weight loss or not but I hate how young I look. I know that's not what many women would call a problem but to me it's horrible. Seriously, the pictures of me in Scotland make me look like a twelve year old. No frigging joke. Those photos therefore have given me the incentive to not make me look older, but just to look my age. I've therefore spent a small fortune on new clothes and make-up as well as having a new found determination to stick this out. I'm even thinking of going as far as sticking a picture of one of the Scotland photos to my bedroom mirror to keep me motivated.

5) I bought the final Eragon book. I couldn't resist it.

6) I have so many blog awards to give out to you guys. I might do that for my next post...

Student Life: Study Fail

I'm seriously wondering how I coped at high school. I had nine subjects. I didn't finish til 4pm for 5 days a week. Every other night I was doing homework and I also had coursework and revision on top of that!

HOW DID I NOT DIE?

Well to be fair, I did get an awful lot of migraines....

But the point I'm trying to make is that after four years of doing courses were I didn't have to study, I'm now a bit rusty.

I only have 3 subjects this semester, two days off a week and I finish the other three days at 1pm yet I'm struggling to find the motivation to read the assigned textbook chapters or even make decent notes. 

I'm so outta practice!

Meh...

I'm not having the best few days

As Jack Skellington said, "Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?"

(Mazzy Star - Into Dust)

Common Sense

Why do people put so much energy into hating things?

Surely if somebody enjoys something then people should let them be.

If you don't like reality tv, don't watch it.

If you don't like Twilight, don't read it.

If you don't like Justin Beiber, don't listen to his music.

Pretty simple, no?

Then why do people give each other such a hard time? 

Wanna know a pet hate of mine? Book snobs.

I hate how some people sit there and spout off how crap a certain book is. Fair enough if you don't like a book for whatever reason, that's your opinion, but don't slag other people off if they like it! To me, reading is about enjoying yourself and enjoying what you're reading. I've read plenty of books that are critically acclaimed and hated them. An example of this is Of Mice and Men. Sure it's "well written" but I would never pick it up again.

I've always been embarrassed to admit that I enjoy YA books more than anything else because of book snobs but you know what? I do and I don't care anymore. I can't help what I like and I'd rather read something I enjoy like Twilight than be bored senseless.

Because surely it's better for people to read whatever they enjoy than to not read at all?

How I'm Currently Feeling...

An Insight into my Playlist

I hate when people ask me, "What type of music are you into?" or "Who is your favourite artist?" 

I hate it because I never know how to answer them! I don't have a favourite artist or band, instead I love specific songs regardless of their genre.

I know I could just tell them that but what you need to know about me is that I get tongue-tied EXTREMELY easily when trying to explain things. It's so bad sometimes that I wish I never opened my mouth. And frankly, far too many people look at me with "you're such a weirdo" expression afterwards that it's kinda embarrassing...

So I stay quiet, and then get called a snob. Sigh. I can never win...

But, I digress.

I wanted to share with you some of my favourite songs. If I had to choose, my favourite genre hands down is Indie/Rock. I do like other genres but I won't admit to it in public. Except Classical. I am perfectly happy admitting that I like Classical.

I've also noticed that I do like artists more if they have a unique voice. There are far too many artists and bands out there who sound so alike that I can't even tell the difference between them anymore. So here are a bunch of songs by people with unique voices that I like...

(Linkin Park - Figure. 09)

(Nickelback - How You Remind Me)

(Foo Fighters - Best Of You)

(Evanescence - Lithium)

(Rammstein - Feuer Frei)

Emotionally Scarred by Elephants

The following video is the most terrifying thing I ever watched as a child. And this is coming from a girl who stayed up late watching Poltergiest aged nine.

I don't know why but it just freaks me out! Just look at their creepy black eyes...!

Dream is Collapsing

I know Mark and Timothy already commented on this poem before I removed it but I just wanted to explain something.

I'm not depressed or angry or holding on to any residual hatred in my heart. I was bullied at school, just like so many others out there. But honestly, I've moved on. If they passed me on the street I wouldn't even bat an eyelid. And that's because I'm stronger now.

I wrote this poem whilst listening to this,

I didn't mean for it to be quite so intense but I was just inspired by the music.

It's directed to everyone who hurts other people, simply because they can. I don't like people like that, and because I can't stop them physically, I thought I'd punish them through words.

I'm going to post it again because I am proud of it. Proud that I created something like this off the top of my head. I just don't want any of you to read it and think that I'm full of hate or anger. Because I'm not. I'm happy, I'm sugar and spice and all things nice! Okay?

You're bitter, toxic

Misery exuding from every pore

Your heart is black, poisoned by hate

Incapable of love

The darkness of your soul seeps into my bones when I'm around you

I don't recognise myself when I'm around you, I become someone I hate

My once beautiful friend, with your contagious laughter

Now consumed by malice, and I don't even care.

Ow...!

I hope this doesn't happen again anytime soon!

I left the warm living room to go to the bathroom and I had that lightheaded feeling I usually get when I stand up too quickly. But once the cold air of the bathroom washed over me, my body started to shudder and jerk. Though my vision was blurred I could still make out where I was headed - straight for the bath! 

In my confused state I dropped my phone, the sickening crack no more than a faint whisper as I simultaneously banged into the shower door. It was inevitable that I was losing control, the increased shuddering and jerking of my body told me that. I wasn't panicking though, mainly because the weird movements I was doing reminded me of that "Walk like an Egyptian" dance. And with that thought, my legs buckled and I landed right smack inbetween the bath and the toilet. Niiicce. That will teach me for scoffing drunks passing out in distusting places!! 

Of course my mum came running when she heard the "thud" of my body making contact with the ground. AND LAUGHED WHEN SHE SAW ME! Not that I cared though because I was laughing too as I still had the Egyptian dance moves running through my mind. Afterwards, I was completely fine but my phone had broke apart and its battery had skidded across the floor in all the excitment. I was able to fix it, though strangely it thought it was 2009... 

I think it's got brain damage.

Know your limits!

All very cool and sophiscated isn't it? But here's what the advertisers failed to include...

Men brawling with each other, bouncers or even policemen because they think they're invincible

Vulnerable drunk women

Passing out in disgusting places

Demeaning one night stands

Horrendous hangovers the following day

And my personal fav, the inevitable drunken Facebook pictures that will probably get you fired

Just sing the damn song already

Is it just me or does anybody else get annoyed when artists feel the need to sing their name at the start of their songs? No? Just me then. I don't know why but it drives me nuts. If I'm listening to the radio, the DJ has already told me whose singing or I'll recognise the tune straight away so it's completely unnecessary!

These artists are all guilty of doing it!

JLS

Enrique Iglesias

Usher

Jason Derulo

Pitbull

Jessie J

Seriously, is it some sort of "cool" hip hop/R'n'B thing? It better not catch on to other genre's because I'll be extremely miffed if the likes of Foo Fighters or Nickelback start doing it.

Love, Hazel

Acceptance

The movie Lost in Translation recently opened my eyes to one of my flaws that I'd do anything to change. This flaw is my constant need to feel liked or accepted by everyone I meet. Despite hating this flaw, I think it's a natural part of being human. So many people want to be accepted by others that their main fear is rejection. So it's normal, right?

I first noticed this flaw when I was a child. At primary school I would have played the games my "friends" wanted to play despite hating them or accepting being the eighth leader of the gang just in order to be in it. With my seven friends... 

As I became interested in boys at secondary school I lied and said how into sports I was in order for them to think I was "cool". I also joined the school dance class because my best friend was into it. Despite hating hip hop, I stuck it out until it was obvious I wasn't accepted by the other girls. Apparantly I had no rhythm. Fucking bitches...

Then recently at college and at my old job I edited my true opinions and interests just so that the girls would like me and accept me into their cliques. 

What I hate most though is that I've laughed at people's awful jokes or pretended to hate things when I really didn't. I even praised people when they didn't deserve it. God writing this is making me realise how fake I've been! I'm actually cringing with past memories right now... *shudder*. I don't even know why I continue doing these sort of things because they never work anyway! Not once did those girls appreciate me, or consider me a friend and it backfired with the guys because they just saw me as a tomboy. A girl can never catch a break...

Some of you are probably wondering why I mentioned Lost in Translation. Well it's because Scarlett Johansson's character thinks everything she writes is mediocre, she has no idea what she wants to do with her life and she said she is going through a photography phase. Just like me. The difference between us however is that she never once dumbed herself down to be accepted by other people. Instead she was herself and I admired that soo much.

I know there are very strong opinionated women and men out there who are probably reading this and thinking how silly I am for caring what other people think of me but... I can't help it. It's something that I am ashamed of. I do wish that I had the confidence to go through life not giving a damn. I'm tired of feeling like a fraud. I want people to like me for who I am, it's just being brave enough to let them see the real me that is the problem. But I'm sure I'll get there. Someday...

Love, Hazel

Down with the Kidz...

Long ago, I escaped from the clutches of Bebo and Myspace into the realm of Facebook. At first, no one I knew had Facebook and I tried unsuccessfully to convert them. Over time though, I realised how much of a blessing that was. I could write what I wanted without causing offense or being teased and I didn't need to worry about who had me in their Top 16 or who would be my "other half" anymore either.

Being a part of Facebook made me feel incredibly grown-up. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to not get friend requests from Myspace bands anymore. Remember them? So annoying...

Over time though, my love for it started to fade which incidentally coincided with its popularity increasing tenfold. It didn't feel exclusive anymore. It wasn't so bad that my classmates started getting it but most of my family were starting to get it too.

At the start, this was just weird but now more and more of the older generation have got it and it just makes me hate using it. Don't get me wrong, they're entitled to use it too - it just doesn't feel "cool" anymore. Especially when the majority of my friends are aunts and uncles I've never even spoken to or cousins I've never even met.

I was inspired to write this as only today I got another friend request from an uncle of mine who resembles Elvis so much its uncanny. What I think annoys me the most though is that I know I'm being used i.e. I'm only "talked to" when one of them wants me to pass on messages...

"Tell Helen that my phone isn't working so she isn't to worry if she can't get through when she rings me today"

"Say happy birthday to your dad from me, his big sister"

"What's your uncle up to these days?"

Although I will happily pass these sort of messages on, I guess I just want it back the way it was a few years ago - exclusive. Unlike now where I have to censor everything I write in case my aunt sees and tells my gran who will then tell my mum. I'm sure I'm not the only person to feel this way.

I've also come to the conclusion that I should probably just make my parents a Facebook page and have done with it. Years ago that would have been considered embarrassing whereas now, its just inevitable. And because of that, Facebook is no longer cool.

Love, Hazel

Day 5

Lessons Learned

Although enjoyable, reading constantly for a week will result in killer migraines. I must not read that much at one time again.

Changing bed covers is a lot harder than it looks. I must give myself longer than five minutes.

Love, Hazel

Migraines Suck

After three years of successful evasion, the dreaded migraine has finally caught up with me. I used to suffer from them a lot when I was studying for my GCSE's in high school but they left me alone when I went to college. Which pretty much tells you guys that I didn't do much studying in college...

Now though, it's because I read too much. I know my dear fellow bookworms, how can you possibly read too much? But alas, reading is now temporally off limits as well as my time online being seriously cut down too. I probably shouldn't even be writing this but... I'm bored. Though saying that, I think I'm gonna go rest my eyes for a bit. The screen just looks too bright.

Love, Hazel

Day 2

Okay so continuing with the word theme...

My Least Favourite Words

• poo
• poignant
• lol
• twihards
• bazaar
• pungent
• snob
• geronimo
• disco
• nice
• stuff

 Love, Hazel

Day 1

So I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and do a 30 Day Challenge thingy. I won't be doing it everyday, I'll space them out to make it last longer. Plus that way I can write normal posts with these thrown in just for fun. I'm starting today because I can't think of anything else to write about. So sue me.

Words That Are Hard To Spell

• manoeuvre
• initiative
• amiable
• necessarily
• tragedy
• embarrassment
• disease
• cease
• differentiated
• traveling
• anonymous
• massacre 

I'm sure there are lots more but that's all I could think of right now!

Love, Hazel