Acceptance

The movie Lost in Translation recently opened my eyes to one of my flaws that I'd do anything to change. This flaw is my constant need to feel liked or accepted by everyone I meet. Despite hating this flaw, I think it's a natural part of being human. So many people want to be accepted by others that their main fear is rejection. So it's normal, right?

I first noticed this flaw when I was a child. At primary school I would have played the games my "friends" wanted to play despite hating them or accepting being the eighth leader of the gang just in order to be in it. With my seven friends... 

As I became interested in boys at secondary school I lied and said how into sports I was in order for them to think I was "cool". I also joined the school dance class because my best friend was into it. Despite hating hip hop, I stuck it out until it was obvious I wasn't accepted by the other girls. Apparantly I had no rhythm. Fucking bitches...

Then recently at college and at my old job I edited my true opinions and interests just so that the girls would like me and accept me into their cliques. 

What I hate most though is that I've laughed at people's awful jokes or pretended to hate things when I really didn't. I even praised people when they didn't deserve it. God writing this is making me realise how fake I've been! I'm actually cringing with past memories right now... *shudder*. I don't even know why I continue doing these sort of things because they never work anyway! Not once did those girls appreciate me, or consider me a friend and it backfired with the guys because they just saw me as a tomboy. A girl can never catch a break...

Some of you are probably wondering why I mentioned Lost in Translation. Well it's because Scarlett Johansson's character thinks everything she writes is mediocre, she has no idea what she wants to do with her life and she said she is going through a photography phase. Just like me. The difference between us however is that she never once dumbed herself down to be accepted by other people. Instead she was herself and I admired that soo much.

I know there are very strong opinionated women and men out there who are probably reading this and thinking how silly I am for caring what other people think of me but... I can't help it. It's something that I am ashamed of. I do wish that I had the confidence to go through life not giving a damn. I'm tired of feeling like a fraud. I want people to like me for who I am, it's just being brave enough to let them see the real me that is the problem. But I'm sure I'll get there. Someday...

Love, Hazel