Conan The Barbarian: Review

WARNING: THIS POST WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS

Firstly I'd like to point out that I wasn't expecting much from this movie. I haven't seen the original so it wasn't because of that, it just screamed "crap" the first time I saw the trailer. Though slowly over time I became quite curious - especially since the guy who plays Conan also played Kal Drogo in A Game of Thrones. A character I loved.

In the opening scene, Conan is untimely ripped from his mother's womb as she is fatally stabbed during a battle. Thus he becomes known as being a child born of battle. Very epic but slightly tainted by the fact that his dad lifts him up above his head which unfortunately made me expect The Circle of Life to be played. Alas, it did not.

Next we see Conan as a young boy, who has a disturbing thirst for blood. Seriously, I couldn't tell whether his father was proud of him or scared of him! Though the scene where he kills like eight bad guys on his own is pretty cool. I think I should mention here that if you can't stomach blood and gore then it's best if you avoid this movie at all costs. Not only that but the sound effects are pretty loud that at times I was cringing in my seat.

Now the plot, a bad guy comes to Conan's village and steals the final piece of an ancient mask which will resurrect his dead wife. His dead wife, being an evil sorceresss will then turn him into a God because she loves him and then they will plunge the world into darkness and rule forever etc etc. The bad man destroys Conan's village, kills his father and leaves Conan alive because "he likes his courage". 

The next time we see Conan, he's all grown up with a bunch of mates who are just as bloodthirsty as him yet they all have good morals such as using their brute strength to free slaves. Conan of course is trying to avenge his father and his search to kill the bad man results in him crossing paths with a woman who has lived in a monestary all her life. The bad man needs this woman as he plans to sacrifice her in order to resurrect his wife and only she will do as she is a "pureblood". I'm sure Voldemort would have loved this man.

What I found unbelievable about the plot however is that the woman is quite a good fighter and isn't shy when it comes to "sexy time" with Conan. Surely, if she lived in a monestary all her life then she'd be pretty useless on the battlefield plus extremely coy and inexperienced with men? 

Another thing that bugged me is that when Conan first fights with the bad man he is completely useless but when the bad man wears the mask (which is meant to make him really powerful) Conan kicks his ass! It makes no sense. Also, the bad man's teeth were too straight and white to be believable. Instead they made him look like Simon Cowell.

Overall though, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It is actually quite enjoyable.

Highlights:

• The epic fight scenes
• Paige from Charmed looking like a Klingon
• Jason Momoa's performance as Conan

Rating: 4/5